Married or single

A man got a call from unknown number.
Girl: Hi, are u single?
Man: Yes, but who are you?
Answer: Your wife. Aaj ghar ana tab bataugi.

Another call from unknown number
Girl: Are u married?
Man: Yes, but who are u?
Girl: Your girlfriend, you cheat!!
Man: Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife.
Ans: Wife hi hu kutte, aaj tu bas ghar aaja..

Left keys in the car

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room... it wasn't there.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! 

"Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.

"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.

" There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. 

"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."

What happens when a desi returns from USA?

21. Tries to use Credit Card in road side Hotel.

20. Drinks and carries Mineral Water and always speaks of Health. (proving to be very health conscious).

19. Sprays DEO such so that he doesn't need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".

Says "Yogurt" instead of "Curds".

Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".

Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".

Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".

Says "Free Way" instead of "Highway".

Says "Got To Go" instead of "Have To Go".

Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)

16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in KiloMeters), and counts in Millions.(Not in Lakhs)

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y, Zee (but never says Zed).

11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY & on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".

8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.

7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.

6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.

5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "Mojule".

4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

Few more important stuffs:-

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.

And The Ultimate One:-

1. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

Keep smiling :)

khane main kya banau?

Wife: khane main kya banau?
Huband: kuch bhi bana lo.. kya banaogi?
Wife: jo aap kaho
Husband: dal chawal bana lo
Wife: subah hi toh khaye the
Husband: toh roti sabzi bana lo
Wife: bachche nahi khayenge
Husband: toh chhole puri bana lo
Wife: mujhe fried cheezon se heavy lagta hai
Husband: egg bhurji bana lo
Wife: aaj thursday hai
Husband: paranthe? 
Wife: raat ko paranthe nahi khana chahiye
Husband: hotel se mangwa lete hain
Wife: roz roz bahar ka nahi khana chahiye
Husband: kadhi chawal?
Wife: dahi nahi hai
Husband: idly sambhar?
Wife: time lagega...pehle bolna tha na!!
Husband: ek kaam karo maggi bana lo
Wife: pet nahi bharta maggi se
Husband: toh phir kya banaogi?
Wife: jo aap bolo.
:D :P

Professor was explaining marketing concepts:

Professor at IIM A was explaining marketing concepts:

 You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

 You go up to her and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!"

 That's Direct Marketing.

 You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a  gorgeous girl.

 One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at  you says, "He's very rich.Marry him."

 That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

 You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi,I'm very rich.Marry me."

 That's Telemarketing.

 You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten  your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich.Will you marry me?"

 That's Public Relations.

 You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and  says,  "You are very rich.."

That's Brand Recognition.

 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm  rich.Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

 That's Customer Feedback !!!!!

 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am  very rich.Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband

 That's demand and supply gap.

 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you  say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" she turns her face towards you

------------ she is your wife !

 That's competition eating into your market share.

Class test excuse

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn’t Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name…………………….( 2 MARKS )

Q.2. Which tyre burst?……………( 98 MARKS )

        a) Front Left

        b) Front Right

        c) Back Left

        d) Back Right …!!!

I'm still laughing!

An elderly man on a Moped (two wheeler), looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ' What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars ! '

' That's a lot of money,' says the old man.

' Why does it cost so much?'

' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

' No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ' That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds. The speedometer reads 160 mph.Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be And suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari , he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. And he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.

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Tiger & Monkey Fight (Funny)